I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Tier 3 meme
next question.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.