Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.