I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I hate when that happens.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
BETRAYAL
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
