I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
😆this is so true
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Banking tips
