7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
You Might Also Like
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.