Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

(True)

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”