Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

I got bills

They’re multiplying

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.