I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC