I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
They’re called werewolves.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander