I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played