Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.