I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.