Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY