Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.