I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.