Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

c’mon!

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

New nose

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.