Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..