Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Autocorrect is my menesis

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”