Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.