Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

The three genders.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok