I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.