Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

My sex drive has a dui

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.