Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

grandparents are too precious for this world

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.