Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.