@lmegordon

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

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@FlipPrincesss

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

@Mr_Kapowski

[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks

Satan:

Me:

Satan: 3 pm

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@PraceKevin

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

@KirstySykes96

actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 4 months