I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
You Might Also Like
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.