Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
True…so damn true
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 4 months