Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.