I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?