Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

There’s always that one guy

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]