I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
You Might Also Like
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here