I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Short story
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Probably my best painting.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing