Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

(True)

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

According to math, I’m broke

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.