I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving