I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Real bees work best
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
be safe out there!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”