Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

ㅤ

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.