I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
fair
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I love this❤️😁👍
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?