I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Realize this:
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.