I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
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when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
When you put it that way… 😂
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Florida man
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
🤣🤣🤣
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m tired tomorrow.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them