Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Sir!!

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Hey I worked for it too!