Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Saturday

all that yoga finally paid off

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets