I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
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*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me