Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.