I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
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I鈥檝e received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
HER: I鈥檝e missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I don鈥檛 know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: Don鈥檛 do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Today鈥檚 kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 馃槀
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it鈥檚 really like 2 cupcakes so I鈥檓 fine with it.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don鈥檛 like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude