Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

me when i see my girls butt

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit