I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”