Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

rise and shine we got egg

Guantanamo Bae

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

As per my last nervous breakdown

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?