Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out