I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!