I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
You Might Also Like
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
my retirement plan is braless
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir