I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons