I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.