I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
hand it over!
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Very good news from my accountant
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.