I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I hate to brag but I excel at my faults.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Old old old old old west
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Hot Panini is in big trouble
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing