Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.