I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.