Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you