Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Love is in the air fryer.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.