I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
#Caturday
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG