Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.