Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

CUTE CAT‼︎

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again