I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?