I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I am having an out of money experience.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.