I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.