I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Eat…