Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hard not to take this personally

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet