I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
🤭😂
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I just tested negative for patience.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
new wife guy just dropped
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.