I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”