I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going