I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
that wasn’t the question
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Good morning.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys