Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Skills

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate