I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
We’ve all been there
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess