I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Had an epiphany today.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids