@crunchenhanced

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

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@Jake_Vig

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@FredTaming

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

@better_off_dad

CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.

@Contwixt

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@Ms_Moneypenny_

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

@NuryVittachi

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@maryfairybobrry

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today