George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today