I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.



It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.


god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing


CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.


Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.


I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing


You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.


WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait


[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too


Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today