I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyonc茅?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Alanis Morissette: It鈥檚 like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma鈥檃m, nobody asked you to shop here.